I Don't Think That's How It Works
by allthestripes
Summary: Craig is getting annoyed. Who the hell does Tweek think he is, looking the way he does? He doesn't even work out! ... Does he?
1. Shake Weight

Craig knew he was being creepy, but he couldn't help it.

Usually he was able to pay attention, to do his work like a good little boring student. But today was not a usual day. Today, he couldn't stop starring at his best friend, Tweek. Or rather, he couldn't stop starring at the clumsily buttoned shirt of the wild haired boy. Specifically, he couldn't stop starring at his chest and stomach. He would say he was fascinated, but considering how gay this already looked, he refused to admit it, but not to stop looking.

Tweek Tweak had abs. Like, _nice_ abs. As if the guy spent time in the weight room, pumping iron like the other sports players at the school. But Craig knew that wasn't the case, because that's what he did, and he had never in his entire seventeen years of life seen Tweek take a single step into the place. He was almost positive that Tweek didn't even know the weight room existed.

It was annoying him beyond comprehension.

He didn't realize he was, however, until about half-way through their lunch period. They were sitting at their usual table, in their usual spots, eating squares of pizza. Clyde was to his right, then him in the center, with Cartman on his left, and across the table was Stan, Tweek, and Kyle. When he realized he was annoyed, he spoke up.

"Tweek." This earned him a startled jerk, the twitchy boy looking up at him from his sandwich, being the only one of the six to pack have packed his lunch. "Why the fuck do you have abs? Or any muscle at all? I've never seen you in the weight room, I know you don't play any sports for the school or otherwise, and I know for a fact you have no weights in your house."

Tweek opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by Cartman. "Well, you see, Craig," he began, "you know how a shake weight works, right?"

Craig raised an eyebrow, looking at the other suspiciously. "I guess so. Why?" Shake weights were those weird, totally phallic free weights that a lot of women used to work out. If he remembered right, Stan's mom had had one for a while. Speaking of Stan, the teen looked less than thrilled this topic had come up. He hated those things with a passion though no-one really knew why.

Cartman had the attention of the entire table now, all of them starring at the fat teen, waiting for him to continue. "You know that the shaking does something to a persons muscles, it makes them stronger or whatever. Now, look at our dear friend Tweek." He put out a hand towards the trembling blonde. "He shakes all the fucking time. He is his own shake weight. I bet they got the idea for it by watching him."

Craig thought about this as he unconsciously reached over and slapped the back of Cartman's head as punishment for freaking out the spastic teen while Stan and Kyle quickly reassured him that he wasn't actually being watched. He ignored the indignant 'Ay!' that followed the hit, supposing that what Cartman had said did make some sense, but it didn't answer everything.

"Okay," he finally conceded, getting them all to look at him now, "That explains why his arms and legs aren't noodles, but it doesn't explain that." He pointed at Tweek's stomach for emphasis.

This time, Tweek managed to answer first. "That's from h-how often I tighten my stomach. I-I get so nervous so o-often that my body gets really t-tense and I walk around lik-ngh-like that. It's the one good thing all this s-shaking as done for me," he answered, picking at the crust of his sandwich.

There were a few understanding 'oh's around the table and the boys returned to their food, Cartman still grumbling about everyone being assholes.

After lunch, Craig grabbed Tweek's hand and pulled him along into the empty gymnasium and into the boy's locker room.

"U-Um, Craig?" Tweek asked, shaking hard. "W-What are you doing? We're going to be-" He was stopped when he felt Craig's fingers brush lightly against his toned stomach. His face turned bright red and he squeaked.

"Hmm... I have decided that I like this," Craig declared, nodding to himself.

Tweek stared at him in utter confusion as the taller of the two knelt down in front of him and began to fix the buttons on his shirt.

"What are y-you doing now...?" he whimpered, unsure how exactly to feel about the situation he now found himself in.

Craig smiled at him. "Well, I can't just let everyone ogle you, now can I?" He straightened, then helped Tweek to his feet, wrapping his arm around the other and pulling him against his chest. "Sorry, but I'm a bit territorial."

"Ter-ack!-Territorial?"

"The thing is, Tweek, I may or may not be a bit gay," Craig informed him, his voice flat and empty, as though this was the most boring and obvious thing he could have ever said in his entire life.

Tweek's eyes widened slightly. This was certainly not what he would have thought to hear his best friend say. Especially to him.

"Basically, if I am gay, I'm absolutely gay for you," Craig continued. He chuckled when Tweek squealed in response. "To be fair, I don't know if you feel the same way about me or not, and I really won't force you to do anything, but if you think you might be gay too... Well, I for one, will not complain if you want to date me."

Silence filled the air between them, but Craig knew it wasn't an awkward or uncomfortable one. It was just Tweek's thinking silence. Lost in his own thoughts of how great it would be to have Tweek agree, he didn't realize the teen in his arms had made a decision until he felt soft, hesitant lips touch his.

He looked down immediately, seeing Tweek giving him a shy smile.

"O-Okay," he agreed.

Craig's heart melted at the look and he attacked the blonde, kissing him wherever he could reach, making Tweek squeal and giggle against him.

Once satisfied (for now) with the flurry of kisses, he grabbed Tweek's hand and proudly led the way to the class they were both now ten minutes late for. He didn't care, and for once neither did Tweek.

The teacher was turned away when they entered, flopping into their desks which were side by side. The grins plastered across both their faces did nothing to help the suspicious looks being shot at them from their friends.

* * *

After school, Stan his his gang watched Craig and Tweek walk out of the building, hand and hand. To be completely fair, this wasn't an uncommon thing, as Craig often would grab Tweek's hand and led him out to keep them from getting separated in the crazy rush to escape once the final bell rang. But the smiles made all the difference in the world.

Kenny watched them disappear out the door, then turned to his three friends. "(What the fuck did I miss at lunch?)" he asked, looking meaningfully after the couple.

Cartman huffed, looking irritated. "I should make them pay me or something," he said, ignoring the blonde.

"For what, fat ass? You didn't do anything," Kyle snapped.

"Ay! Don't give me that shit, you fuckin' Jew! I did plenty!"

Before a full on fight could happen, as it always did if there was no interference, Stan put his arm around Kyle and pulled the ginger to his side. "Just ignore him, Ky, he isn't going to give in." Kyle shot Cartman an irritated look but didn't argue, shifting into a more comfortable position against the other.

"(Hey! I said, what did I miss at lunch today!)" Kenny yelled, annoyed that he had been left unanswered.

"Craig went gay for Tweek," Cartman answered, pulling a snack from his bag and beginning to munch on it as the four headed out of the school, Kyle pulling away slightly to make it easier to walk as Stan automatically grabbed his hand.

"(Oh. Well, it's about damn time,)" Kenny said. "(I told you he would, remember?)" His eyes suddenly lit up. "(That means you have to buy me whatever and however much I want for dinner for two weeks!)"

Cartman paled. "Oh, sorry, Kenny, I can't understand you with your hood up," he responded quickly, looking away from him.

"(You fucking fat-tit asshole! You have to! I made you sign a contract! Stop pretending you can't understand me! Cartman!)"

Kyle sighed and looked up at Stan, frowning, though there was a small glint of mischief in his eyes. "You know technically, Cartman owes him two more for getting us together too," he commented.

The bickering pair froze, then Cartman took off running, Kenny hot on his heels.

"(You can't escape me now, Cartman! Four weeks!)" the hooded boy yelled as they disappeared down the street.

Stan laughed as their voices faded. "You just can't help yourself, can you?" he teased, kissing his super best friend's forehead.

Kyle grinned up at him and shrugged slightly. "No, I suppose not."

"Think Tweek and Craig would be up for a double date? I'm feeling laser tag?" the raven haired teen suggested.

"If you can convince them, I'm all for it," his boyfriend agree.

As they talked, the pair happened upon the other couple, sitting together on a bench a few blocks from the school. Craig was sitting closest to them and leaned over, Tweek's messy hair visible over his head.

"Well, no better time like the present," Stan commented before calling out to the two, "Hey, guys! Question!"

Tweek jumped about a foot in the air in surprise, slamming himself back on the bench while Craig turned casually to look at them. "What?"

"Double date? Laser tag?"

Craig turned back to look at Tweek. It seemed they had an entire conversation with just their eyes before Craig glanced back at them. "Sure. Just don't cry when we kick your asses."

"Fat chance, we're both sport people!" Stan argued with a smile. A little competition was always a great motivator.

"B-But we have c-gak-caffeine," Tweek pointed out.

Kyle and Stan looked at each other, then offered their hands to the two.

"May the best gays win," Stan said.

Exchanging their own look, Craig and Tweek shook. "Don't worry," Craig smirked. "We will."

* * *

 **If it is wanted, I will add a second chapter and do the date. Until then, this story is finished.**


	2. Laser Tag

Tweek couldn't lie: he was getting excited. He had never played laser tag before, and had spent the rest of the week doing research on it. Stan had been right, he really wasn't much of a sport person other than the occasional pickup game with the other guys. He and Kyle on the other hand were like, the MVPs for the school's basketball and football team.

But that didn't matter, because he was so ready. He knew all the rules, and had a few strategies he had discovered that, while technically against the rules, were sure to help them win!

They were going on Saturday morning, as that tended to be the least busy time of day for the laser tag place. As usual, he was wide awake by the time Craig pulled up outside his house at eight. His boyfriend didn't have time to even shut off the engine before Tweek was out his front door and in the passenger seat, a travel mug of coffee in either hand.

Craig smiled. "Morning, sunshine," he greeted, accepting the coffee from him and taking a drink.

"I-I'm really looking forward to this, Craig," Tweek said, settling his mug between his legs as he put on his seat-belt. He wouldn't let Craig drive unless he had a seat-belt on. Not that he didn't trust him not to crash or get him hurt or anything like that, it was just... what if something like that did happen? What if they got rear ended and he went through the windshield!? What if the airbag went off and he or Craig got hurt!? It was better to take the precaution.

Luckily, it was a short drive, and Stan and Kyle were waiting for them out front, the large sign over the door reading: Battlefront. They clearly were not used to the early mornings that Tweek had forced Craig to get accustomed to, and Tweek wiggled a bit in his seat. This was already an advantage for them!

Once Craig had parked and taken out his key, they got out and greeted their sort-of-friends-currently-gay-rivals. Stan yawned and half waved, Kyle just grunting slightly.

"Come on, sleeping beauties, let's get coffee for you or this will be a bloodbath," Craig suggested, easily grabbing Tweek's hand and heading towards the Harbucks on the corner. Tweek huffed a little, not really wanting to go and see one of his overly cheerful parents.

They entered the shop, the bell above the door ringing brightly.

"Good morning, welcome to- Oh, hello, sweetie," Mrs. Tweak greeted from the counter. "What can I get you boys today?"

"Just black coffee for Stan and Kyle, mom," Tweek murmured, looking at his messily tied shoes as the other three slid into a booth near the door. Soon he had two cardboard cups and went over to the table to hand them over.

"Aw, thanks, Tweek, how nice of you," Stan said, his voice dripping with sweetness.

"I didn't know you could be so charming," Kyle added, teasing him as well.

Tweek stopped and stared at them for a moment, ignoring Craig's stifled laughter. His eyes narrowed into a glare as he held the cups. "This is hot, and I will pour it on you," he threatened. The two looked down immediately cowed, though Craig laughed louder and got Tweek's glare turned on him next.

"I am not above going behind the counter and getting a full pot, Tucker."

The three sufficiently menaced, Tweek seated himself beside Craig with his arms crossed, his face set in a pout.

Once Stan and Kyle had sweetened their coffee to taste and downed it, Tweek was practically vibrating. God, why did it always take everyone so damn long to finish their coffee!? Just fucking drink it and be done! As soon as the cups were empty, he jumped up from the table, dragging Craig out of the booth.

"Alright, let's go!" he yelled, yanking his bemused lover to the door with the other couple following.

Once inside Battlefront, Tweek ran to the counter, slamming down money in front of the man behind it. "WE NEED ONE GAME, PLEASE," he shrieked. The man sighed boredly and took the cash, stuffing it into the register.

"Guns and vests are to the left in the next room over. Don't run, don't break anything, and no climbing on the equipment. Once you're already, go inside and hit the button on the wall. Sort yourself into teams or whatever. The team with the most points at the end wins."

So... fucking... BORING.

"Gah!" Tweek ran through the double doors into the side room, followed shortly by the other three.

Craig grabbed the blue vests and guns, helping Tweek put it on as Stan and Kyle put on the orange ones. Tweek's eyes darted around, confused.

"D-Do we play in here?" he asked. It seemed like it wouldn't be much fun in the rather small, basically empty room.

Stan shook his head. "No, we'll go in there and that's where all the equipment is. Don't worry."

After they were prepared, they pushed into the final room, and Tweek couldn't help but squeal with enthusiasm.

The room was about the size of their school's gymnasium, and all over were blocks, ramps, and tunnels. It was almost pitch black, dimly lit only by multiple neon lights that lined the equipment.

Craig grabbed his hand and pulled him to the far side of the room, calling over his shoulder, "No fucking cheating, fuckers!"

"Right back at you!" Kyle responded.

Safe by the opposite wall, Craig turned to Tweek, adjusting his vest slightly. "Alright, I've played a few times. Knowing you, you've probably looked up a million and one things, right?" When Tweek nodded, he smiled. "Awesome. Okay, honey, let's kick some ass."

Tweek grinned brightly, then a low voice came through the speaker on the wall, interrupting the soft music none of them had noticed was playing until it stopped.

"Welcome to Battlefront! Remember to keep in mind the rules of the game so everyone may have a fun and safe laser tag experience! If you have not already, divide yourselves into teams, and separate to separate areas of the game field! The game will consist of five rounds going fifteen minutes each! The winner at the end of the fifth round will be the team that had accumulated the most points! Keep in mind that winning more rounds does not mean winning the game as a whole! Good luck, Battlers!"

A buzzer sounded through the speaker, and intense, fast paced music began to play. Craig and Tweek nodded to one another, then set off in different directions, Craig heading right and Tweek to the left.

The blonde pressed himself to the wall, his gun at the ready. He moved slowly, his breaths shallow and body tense. His ears strained to hear if someone moving towards him. He was rewarded shortly after, picking up the sound of running feet. He leapt from his hiding spot, aimed up the ramp be had been hiding near, and fired.

"Awe, dammit!" Kyle yelped, jumping in surprise as his vest blinked red and beeped.

Laughing evilly, Tweek sprinted away before the ginger could think to shoot him back, ducking into a tunnel to hide. He heard someone run over the top of his spot and he held his breath until they were gone.

Peeking out and seeing no one, he darted across an open space, diving for cover. "HEY!" Stan called. Shit!

He took off again, shrieking, "OH GOD, HE'S GONNA GET ME!"

"Tweek!" The spastic boy tripped at his name, tumbling head over heels down a ramp and landing at Craig's feet. His boyfriend grinned and pulled him up, holding him around the waist and aiming for the top of the ramp. As Stan got to the top, he fired, and being the dramatic person he was, when Stan's vest beeped at the hit, he dropped to the ground, making the pair laugh.

Craig switched his hold to Tweek's hand, dragging him behind him as they ran away.

"Oh, my hero!" Tweek laughed as they crawled into a tunnel, panting for air.

Craig grinned in response and kissed his nose. "Damn right. I'd never leave you behind."

"Aha!" Kyle appeared suddenly, popping off two quick shots, hitting Craig then Tweek. "That's for Stan, assholes!"

As he ran off, Craig and Tweek looked at each other, then started laughing.

The rounded ended a few minutes later, the scores tied.

They had two minutes to get together and regroup, then the game started up again. Tweek got ten shots off, seven on Stan and three on Kyle, and was shot two more times, though it would have been more if Craig hadn't jumped in front of him multiple times. Because of this, Craig got shot fifteen times, ten of those in five minutes while the pair were cornered shortly. Because of this, they lost round two, but gained back points in three when they both managed not to get shot but got Kyle and Stan.

Round four ended in another point tie, and then, it was the last round.

Tweek couldn't remember the last time he had done this much running around. He was drenched in sweat, struggling to catch his breath, but having fun. He was crouched in the shadow of a ramp, gun at the ready, his eyes darting all around. He had long since gotten accustomed to the low light and knew he couldn't trust it to hide him anymore. However, his spot had the advantage of the shadow cover, and he was willing to bet that none of the others had thought to check there.

As if to prove his point, Stan ran past him, not noticing him at all. He grinned brightly, knowing Kyle would be just a few steps behind. Right on time, Kyle came down the ramp and he jumped up, shooting Kyle quickly then sprinting away as Kyle let out a distressed sound at being caught.

"Kyle, nooooo!" Stan yelled, running back to him as Tweek disappeared around a corner. He became aware suddenly of the sound of two quick shots and realized he had accidentally helped lead the two into a trap by Craig who sniped the pair from the top of a nearby tunnel.

The game felt different then; no longer a friendly competition, it became a hunt, and Tweek would be damned before he let himself become someone's prey. This was basically what he had trained himself his entire life against.

With the stealth of a ninja, Tweek crept around the game field, getting shots off at the enemy and retreating before they could figure out where he was, then listening as Craig ran in and did some damage as well.

By the time the buzzer went off to signal the end of the game, Stan and Kyle were thoroughly defeated, laying in a heap on the ground as Tweek and Craig stood over them victoriously. Craig chose to celebrate by putting Tweek close and kissing him deeply, dipping him backwards. This scared the teen, as it felt like he was about to fall, but for once he was able to control himself and not rip away to keep himself from danger. He trusted Craig not to let him fall.

From the ground, Stan groaned and looked up. "Alright, alright. We give in: you are the best gays."

"Yeah. Jesus, that was intense," Kyle agreed, sitting up. "Man, after all that running around, I am starving." He checked his phone for the time. "It's a little after ten now, what do you guys say we have an early lunch? Since we lost, Stan and I can pay."

Stan nodded, getting to his feet and helping Kyle up as Craig and Tweek parted.

"Sure, that sounds good to me," Craig said, keeping his arm around his smaller boyfriend.

They walked together out of the arena, returning their vests and guns to the shelves and returning to the main lobby. The man who had been at the counter looked absolutely miserable, and the place was filled with screaming children who were obviously there for a birthday party. They ducked out as quickly as possible, then piled into Craig's car and driving down to Whistlin' Willy's. While not the greatest place to go, it was cheap and a lot, and in the end, that's all that mattered to hungry teenage boys.

They went in and found the place mostly empty, which meant they were seated immediately. They ordered right away, then just sat at a booth and discussed the epic battle they had just taken part in.

"Tweek, I had no idea you would be a natural at a game like that. Maybe you should try out paintball sometime," Stan suggested. "That was really fun."

Kyle smiled, grabbing one of Stan's hands and messing with his fingers. "It really was. We should all play again sometime, but maybe with more people. It'll be more challenging. We'll even take a handicap and have Cartman."

Tweek giggled as Craig smirked. "After the sound beating you had today, you want to make it easier for us to win?" he teased.

"Oh, shut it, it's still fun. Besides, you guys have Clyde. That's pretty much the same as Cartman," Kyle pointed out. "At least Cartman knows how to play laser tag, I'm pretty sure Clyde will run around going 'pew pew pew'."

Craig and Tweek laughed and Craig nodded. "That is exactly what will happen," he agreed.

Their food arrived, and they dug in, discussing whatever came to mind. Soon enough, they finished eating, Stan and Kyle dropped their money on the table, and Craig drove them to Stan's house. He then drove to Tweek's house, pulling into his driveway.

They got out and went into the house, going up to Tweek's chaotic room and settling side by side on his bed, leaning against the window.

"Did you have fun today, babe?" Craig asked, looping his arm around Tweek's shoulders.

"Yeah, it was a lot of fun," he answered, leaning against him. "I'm glad we won. I can't wait to play again."

"We'll have to go soon, then."

"Yeah, let's go really soon."

They stayed in their position for a few hours, enjoying one another's company, talking, and reveling in the fact that they had finally won the argument that had been going on since they were 4th graders: they had proven they were indeed gayer than Stan and his friends.


End file.
